Are our children really as strong as we think they are? When we observe our fostered and adopted kids it can appear they are tough and that the story of their lives has not affected them. Unfortunately, little ones don't truly bounce back as well as we think they do. They still are crying out for their unmet emotional needs to be met and when they are met, we will see dramatic improvements in their behavior.

One of those basic needs is time. The biggest difference I have seen while parenting biological versus adopted children, is that it doesn't take very long for my adopted kids to feel neglected. If I am not touching base with them frequently, they begin to display undesirable behaviors and in some cases, even become aggressive. This is far less noticable in my biological son even though I know he needs the same things they do.

More isn't necessarily better but many people think that it is. The trouble with this view is that more toys, more activities, more TV, can never replace the most valuable thing you have to offer your children--yourself. When the schedule piles on and I can't escape the busyness, I make it a point to spend a bit of one on one time with each of my children. When I don't, the result is misbehaving kids who are extremely disregulated. Keeping our schedule clear is a priority in our family unless an activity is of long term importance or we have a child who is highly interested in a particular activity or is gifted in an area that could be beneficial to him. For instance, one of our sons loves sports and we make sure he gets to pick a sport to play once a year. Things like piano lessons and home school co-op are regular parts of our schedule as well.

Because I teach my children at home, they get one on one time with me by default because of school work. In spite of this, there are days that we get so caught up in keeping up with everything that I have to stop to pay special attention to a little one who has gotten lost in the shuffle. For a child who has been neglected, this lost feeling makes them go into survival mode.

How do you feel when you are in survival mode? I know for me, when I get stressed out guess what, I'm irritable, mouthy, and I feel like being aggressive. Sound familiar? If we feel out of sorts as adults, imagine how our formerly neglected and abused children feel when they are tired or hungry, or just haven't gotten enough of mommy.

Gabriel, my second son, was pushed into survival mode this week when our pet dairy goat passed away right in front of us. I knew he was upset about it, but as usual, his pain didn't come out as crying or talking. Loss is double hard for kids who have lost so much. Outwardly, they seem to let things roll off but inwardly, the wounds go deeper because they stuff that emotion.

Soon after our goat died, we had friends arrive who were supposed to come over to play that day. Gabriel didn't deal with this well and soon was shoving other kids, name calling, and bullying everyone in sight. After several requests, I got him to come inside so I could help him calm down. When I set the timer for 20 minutes and asked him to stay close to me until it went off, he started throwing a tantrum and talking like a baby.

We learned early in this journey that stress causes regression. Baby talk and acting as if he is two or three years old is very common when Gabriel gets overwhelmed. He was three years old when he was removed from his biological mother's home and placed in a foster home and that is the age he returns to in his mind when he is stressed out.

So, I knew what I had to do and when he had quieted down, I asked him to choose a game and we would play together. As we played he slowly returned to his physical age (eight years old) and began to speak and act normally again.

It challenges most people to watch how I responded and not believe that I rewarded Gabriel for poor behavior. Before I adopted, I would have said the same thing. Now, however, I understand that when my child becomes unmanagable and out of control, it is my job to meet him where he is and devote some extra time with him.

It is my belief that foster and adoptive parents have an extra layer of responsibility when it comes to sacrificing for our children. They have suffered immensely already and if we do not make a conscious decision to honor them with our time, someday when they need us the most, they will no longer have time to listen to our advice or even receive our help.

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