Have We Created a House of Cards?

As January speeds to a close I am starting to get into the swing
of things again for the second half of the school year. The
holidays are behind us (whew!) and we are finally back into our
normal routine. This is the time of year when I look back over
the fall semester and start panicking about what I haven't
accomplished yet this year. I have to reign in my emotions and
focus again on what I have determined is my philosophy of
education.

The longer I home educate the more strongly I believe that our
public school system has missed the mark horribly when it comes
to timing. In an effort to ease the discomfort of millions of
parents who have either chosen to work outside the home or have
to out of necessity, our school system has forced younger and
younger children into formal education. After all, it makes
sense that early exposure to reading and math would make better
students--right? Unfortunately, in spite of the valiant efforts
of thousands of teachers and administrators, the evidence points
to the contrary. Never before has the United States seen so many
illiterate students and such a high drop-out rate. Our current
system has built a house of cards that is falling quickly.

I believe that part of the failure of the system is due to the
fact that children's brains are not physically ready for the
level of thinking required by formal education until they are
much older. There are many examples of this in history. For
instance, Patrick Henry, who was the instigator of the Bill of
Rights and the famous lawyer during Revolutionary times,
literally could not be kept in a school building and had to be
home educated by his father. (He kept escaping into the woods!)
This education didn't start in earnest until Patrick was nine
years old. Incidentally, he also didn't wear shoes until then!
Most children up until the early 1900's didn't attend formal
schooling until they were around nine years old, and most of them
only managed about five months of schooling out of every year,
and yet, the literacy rate was much higher at the turn of the
20th century than it is now!

How does this relate to my philosophy of education? I have come
to the conclusion that my children can be taught in the home
school everything they need to be successful without foisting
formal education on them until their brains have time to develop.
How freeing it is to realize my children don't have to plod along
on a public school schedule (extinguishing their love of learning
the while) and that I can truly be the one who decides what is
best for them. I have made this choice because with my adopted
children especially, relationship is more important than the
three R's. I have focused on relationship first and have only
pressed formal education after a positive relationship was
intact. The irony in this is that I'm sure I would not be able
to teach them effectively had I not started with the
relationship.

So, if this is your first year teaching at home, or if you have
the opportunity to keep your little ones home an extra year if
you are sending them away to school, take my advice and focus on
relationship first. Let your child explore and learn naturally
and concentrate on connecting with him. My prediction is that
both you and your child will be more successful in the long run
and you will avoid much frustration, both in learning and in
loving.data:post.body

Sibling Rivalry and Fellowship with a Purpose Part 2

Once you get your kids to a point where they are interacting together well, (which could take months) the next important step to take is finding ways to fellowship with a purpose. Fellowship with a purpose takes a little more work but it is well worth it because not only do you help your children develop their friendships, but you are benefiting from deeper friendships as well.

Find families that share your value system and begin to have them over, go on field trips together if you homeschool, and as you discover which personalities blend the best, develop those friendships first. This is fellowship with a purpose. You are intentionally capitalizing on the value of friendships with people who are most likely to share your value systems and who will support you in parenting your children.

In this day and age, our culture is obsessed with exposing kids to people who are unlike them so that when they grow up, they will be less likely to be prejudiced against other people groups. This is a great sentiment, and to an extent, I agree with that strategy. The problem is that we have inadvertently thrown the baby out with the bathwater.

In exposing our children to so many new ideas and cultures at such a young age, we forget that they are not yet well acquainted with who they are. If they do not first get a solid foundation in the belief systems of their own family, someday it will be very easy to dislodge them from their trust in Christ because they will have never made it their own faith.

This is why fellowship with a purpose is so important. Spending lots of time pursuing hobbies and sports can undermine the influence we ultimately have with our children. We have put these activities on a pedestal because we have bought into the lie that good socialization can only happen in these environments. On the contrary, good socialization happens when kids are exposed to loving adults who can mentor them and model for them what being a Christ follower looks like. Sports and other activities are only valuable when they are a small percentage of the whole--a supplement to what is happening within the family.

As parents, our job is to come alongside our children and teens and oversee the socialization they are exposed to. This is most easily achieved when the family is involved in events and gatherings together. If you are wondering how this is accomplished, I'll give you a few ideas...

* Get involved in a small group at your church or attend a house church.
It is important to note that many small groups are not family integrated.
If your church doesn't have a group like this, you may consider starting
one. You may be surprised at how many families are tired of being segregated
during worship and church activities and would be thrilled to have such a
group available to them.

* Instead of sending your teens to a youth group, consider having teens over to your
own home on a monthly or weekly basis for a group game night. This is a great
way to get to know your teen's friends while also staying close and available.

* Host family game or movie nights for families in your church or small group. This
is a fun way to build friendships among adults, teens, and children all at the
same time!

* Join your local YMCA and take advantage of their family exercise rooms, pool, and
intramural sports teams as a family.

These are a few ideas to get you started and to show you there are ways to enjoy your family while still helping your children get the friendship and interaction they need--even if you are home educating. A good way to determine if you are choosing activities that build your family up is to ask yourself how each choice will affect your family's schedule. Here are a few questions in closing to ask when trying to decide..

1. Will our family still be able to eat dinner together at least 4 times per week?

2. Will my children be able to be in bed by their stated bed time at least 5 times
a week?

3. Is this activity in line with my child's greatest interests and/or gifts?

4. Will this activity cause me as a parent to be tired much of the time, resulting
in less energy to interact with my children?

If the answers to these questions are acceptable to you (meaning you still have time to be a family and as a parent you won't feel your energy levels are compromised much of the time) then the proposed activity is probably a safe thing to invest in. If not, you may need to re-evaluate it's importance.

Finally, this all ties into sibling rivalry because often, siblings are separated so much (especially if they attend school away from home) that they don't have the opportunity to know one another. In addition, they become accustomed to only interacting with children their own age, making them intolerant of younger siblings or disrespectful of older ones. If your family is striving to stick together much of the time--your children will eventually begin to relate in more positive ways and there will be fewer conflicts. The great benefit to improving sibling relationships is that this prepares them very effectively for the relationships they will have at college, in the workplace, and in their own families as adults.data:post.body

Are our children really as strong as we think they are? When we observe our fostered and adopted kids it can appear they are tough and that the story of their lives has not affected them. Unfortunately, little ones don't truly bounce back as well as we think they do. They still are crying out for their unmet emotional needs to be met and when they are met, we will see dramatic improvements in their behavior.

One of those basic needs is time. The biggest difference I have seen while parenting biological versus adopted children, is that it doesn't take very long for my adopted kids to feel neglected. If I am not touching base with them frequently, they begin to display undesirable behaviors and in some cases, even become aggressive. This is far less noticable in my biological son even though I know he needs the same things they do.

More isn't necessarily better but many people think that it is. The trouble with this view is that more toys, more activities, more TV, can never replace the most valuable thing you have to offer your children--yourself. When the schedule piles on and I can't escape the busyness, I make it a point to spend a bit of one on one time with each of my children. When I don't, the result is misbehaving kids who are extremely disregulated. Keeping our schedule clear is a priority in our family unless an activity is of long term importance or we have a child who is highly interested in a particular activity or is gifted in an area that could be beneficial to him. For instance, one of our sons loves sports and we make sure he gets to pick a sport to play once a year. Things like piano lessons and home school co-op are regular parts of our schedule as well.

Because I teach my children at home, they get one on one time with me by default because of school work. In spite of this, there are days that we get so caught up in keeping up with everything that I have to stop to pay special attention to a little one who has gotten lost in the shuffle. For a child who has been neglected, this lost feeling makes them go into survival mode.

How do you feel when you are in survival mode? I know for me, when I get stressed out guess what, I'm irritable, mouthy, and I feel like being aggressive. Sound familiar? If we feel out of sorts as adults, imagine how our formerly neglected and abused children feel when they are tired or hungry, or just haven't gotten enough of mommy.

Gabriel, my second son, was pushed into survival mode this week when our pet dairy goat passed away right in front of us. I knew he was upset about it, but as usual, his pain didn't come out as crying or talking. Loss is double hard for kids who have lost so much. Outwardly, they seem to let things roll off but inwardly, the wounds go deeper because they stuff that emotion.

Soon after our goat died, we had friends arrive who were supposed to come over to play that day. Gabriel didn't deal with this well and soon was shoving other kids, name calling, and bullying everyone in sight. After several requests, I got him to come inside so I could help him calm down. When I set the timer for 20 minutes and asked him to stay close to me until it went off, he started throwing a tantrum and talking like a baby.

We learned early in this journey that stress causes regression. Baby talk and acting as if he is two or three years old is very common when Gabriel gets overwhelmed. He was three years old when he was removed from his biological mother's home and placed in a foster home and that is the age he returns to in his mind when he is stressed out.

So, I knew what I had to do and when he had quieted down, I asked him to choose a game and we would play together. As we played he slowly returned to his physical age (eight years old) and began to speak and act normally again.

It challenges most people to watch how I responded and not believe that I rewarded Gabriel for poor behavior. Before I adopted, I would have said the same thing. Now, however, I understand that when my child becomes unmanagable and out of control, it is my job to meet him where he is and devote some extra time with him.

It is my belief that foster and adoptive parents have an extra layer of responsibility when it comes to sacrificing for our children. They have suffered immensely already and if we do not make a conscious decision to honor them with our time, someday when they need us the most, they will no longer have time to listen to our advice or even receive our help.

For help in your adoptive search and to get a free mini-course, click on the link above. If you would like to, you can get your own completely unique content version of this article.data:post.body

Supplemental Help

It is official--we have had the kids on supplements to help with anxiety for three months now and I can honestly say we are experiencing what it is like to be normal. We were approaching it before but the supplements tipped us over the edge.

For those of you who are confused, let me explain...

At the home school conference we attended a series of classes by a lady named Dianne Craft. She was hilarious, intelligent, and knowledgeable, all wrapped up in one person. Her seminars were about teaching learning challenged and behaviorally challenged kids and I hung on her every word. We've been using her techniques for teaching Rose since we came home from convention and I am slowly seeing progress.

Anyway, we decided to take her advice and put the kids on several supplements to help lower their anxiety levels. (While we were at the conference, Gabriel was so stressed out that he threw yogurt at the babysitter and pitched tantrums at every turn. He ended up being sick and we didn't know it but even at that, he was pretty out of control and we were really downhearted that after one night of our being absent he could have this much anxiety.) So, after doing some research, sometime in mid-May, we put them on the supplements Dianne had suggested.

I'll give you the list, just in case you have an anxiety-ridden child out there. She says you have to do it for 3 months to really know if it is working.

Acidopholis
Grape Seed extract
Magnesium
EFAs for Children (ESA stands for Essential Fatty Acids)

Visit her website to find out why she recommends this particular combination of supplements.data:post.body

Dying to Live

Distant and preoccupied. How is it that I can be with my children 24 hours a day (literally) and still not be present with them? Amazingly, this is my biggest struggle. Each day I either choose to engage in the battle for my children’s hearts-- or I don’t-- and I can tell when I haven’t fought for them. As much as I hate to admit it, the ones is on me when their behavior escalates and I am at my wits end.

In Luke 9:23 Jesus tells us to give up our selfish ways and take up our cross, and follow him. I was contemplating this after a church meeting last week, trying to grapple with the concept in my mind. Such a familiar verse and yet, so hard to live out. Leaving behind my selfish ways may mean leaving behind the pile of dirty dishes and laundry to sit outside with my kids while they play in the yard, instead of leaving them to play alone. It may mean going to bed with cluttered rooms because I took the extra time to talk with them before tucking them in for the night. It may mean getting rid of the television because it is a distraction from the most important things in life, like raising my kids.

When I don’t manage my time well, my children suffer. When I fail to plan ahead for hard days, they suffer again. When I am tired because I stayed up too late, they suffer because I yell at them. Homeschooling doesn’t solve these issues, it only magnifies them because they are constantly in my face. I know this is good because without the constant reminders, sadly, I would never change. Fortunately, I have the good Lord to help me when I am weak and sometimes I can feel His strength so distinctly I feel as if He may walk into the room. All the while, the battle rages around me and though I hate to admit it, every minute, every hour, every day, brings me closer to the end of the struggle, when I will discover how I did.

Images of the Good Shepherd flood my mind, giving me glimpses of who I should be and what I am striving for. The gentle nudging of his staff to a wayward lamb, the tenderness with which he leads his flock to greener pastures, His urgent call when a young lamb has wandered off, all remind me of my job. How glad I am that God has given me an example of who I should be. I tend toward harshness but He steers me toward gentleness and it always works better. After all, “a soft answer turns away wrath”.

As I tend to my real animals out on our little farm, they look up at me with trusting eyes, waiting for their share of hay and grain. They bleat with anticipation when they see me and my little Velvatine Rabbit paces in her cage as I come nearer. My goal is that one day my two adopted children will look to me with that same trust and eagerness. That they will look to see where I am leading and they will follow. But it all depends on my death to self and how willing I am to be full of grace.

data:post.body

Adopted Children Display "Defiance" but What is it Really?

"No, I don't feel like it." That was the response I got a few
weeks ago when I asked my adopted son to take a shower. I had
prepared him ahead of time, given him a five minute warning, and
had retrieved his clothing to make it easier. Still, he was
"defying" me. Why?

For a stranger watching this exchange, you may have thought I was
too lenient in my response when I replied, "Okay, I'm going to
ask you again in five minutes." When we signed up for our foster care program I would have laughed at such a response. If youknew my son however, and the dark issues of trauma that surround his past, you would know something deeper was at work here.

Traumatized children are sometimes hard to read. We make
assumptions about them that are untrue based on our own
perceptions. The biggest thing I have learned about dealing with
what looks like defiance in my adopted children is that things
are often not what they seem. If I can keep my cool long enough
to get to the heart of the matter, scenarios like this one do not
escalate and my kids are happier, and more relaxed. In addition,
they have fewer discipline problems. Not because I ignore their
issues (they aren't the type of issues that can be ignored!) but
because I approach my children with understanding and mercy.

So what did I do about the shower? First, I considered the
situation. We were up late the night before and often that means
my son has urinated in his pull-up. He has a distended bowel due
to anxiety (former foster kids often have anxiety issues) and
late nights can mean he has feces in his pants as well. This
makes him embarrassed, especially since he doesn't have the small
motor skills to clean himself up properly. Usually when he
refuses to take a shower it means he needs help but is too
embarrassed to ask. When the timer beeped I made sure we were
out of earshot of his siblings and quietly asked him if he needed
help getting cleaned up. He nodded and went immediately to the
bathroom.

This issue was not defiance at all--it was a simple matter of
embarrassment. If I had treated it as defiance (which I am sad
to report, I have in the past) it would only have damaged my
relationship with my son and we would not have solved anything.
He may have been clean, but our relationship may have needed
repairing. One step forward, two steps back.

Know your child. Know his issues. Learn his heart and lead him
to the love you have for him.data:post.body

I was listening to a sermon about preparing your kids for marriage the other night when the pastor said something that caught my attention. He said fathers are to protect their daughters until the day they are given in marriage. Sending them off into the world alone to fend for themselves and try to find a suitable husband is not the picture God gives us in the Bible of how a daughter should find a mate. With boys, the same is true, only in a different sense. Boys may go into the world to live on their own and make their way but when it is time for them to find a wife, God expects us parents to help our boys--not just leave them to their every whim and expect that it will all work out okay! I found this intriguing and also refreshing because it is what I have felt in my spirit for a while but didn't know how to put it. He used the example of Abraham finding a wife for Isaac and the care he took in making sure it was done right. Isaac was 40! Perfectly capable by our culture's standards, of finding his own mate, and yet, his Father helped him and at the end of the story, it says Isaac loved her.

Love, after all, is a choice.

I know I am simplifying it--there is much more that goes into all this than just a concerned parent, but really-- how much heartache could be avoided if fathers took seriously their commitment to protecting their children by helping them with the most important decision they will ever make?data:post.body