Have We Created a House of Cards?

As January speeds to a close I am starting to get into the swing
of things again for the second half of the school year. The
holidays are behind us (whew!) and we are finally back into our
normal routine. This is the time of year when I look back over
the fall semester and start panicking about what I haven't
accomplished yet this year. I have to reign in my emotions and
focus again on what I have determined is my philosophy of
education.

The longer I home educate the more strongly I believe that our
public school system has missed the mark horribly when it comes
to timing. In an effort to ease the discomfort of millions of
parents who have either chosen to work outside the home or have
to out of necessity, our school system has forced younger and
younger children into formal education. After all, it makes
sense that early exposure to reading and math would make better
students--right? Unfortunately, in spite of the valiant efforts
of thousands of teachers and administrators, the evidence points
to the contrary. Never before has the United States seen so many
illiterate students and such a high drop-out rate. Our current
system has built a house of cards that is falling quickly.

I believe that part of the failure of the system is due to the
fact that children's brains are not physically ready for the
level of thinking required by formal education until they are
much older. There are many examples of this in history. For
instance, Patrick Henry, who was the instigator of the Bill of
Rights and the famous lawyer during Revolutionary times,
literally could not be kept in a school building and had to be
home educated by his father. (He kept escaping into the woods!)
This education didn't start in earnest until Patrick was nine
years old. Incidentally, he also didn't wear shoes until then!
Most children up until the early 1900's didn't attend formal
schooling until they were around nine years old, and most of them
only managed about five months of schooling out of every year,
and yet, the literacy rate was much higher at the turn of the
20th century than it is now!

How does this relate to my philosophy of education? I have come
to the conclusion that my children can be taught in the home
school everything they need to be successful without foisting
formal education on them until their brains have time to develop.
How freeing it is to realize my children don't have to plod along
on a public school schedule (extinguishing their love of learning
the while) and that I can truly be the one who decides what is
best for them. I have made this choice because with my adopted
children especially, relationship is more important than the
three R's. I have focused on relationship first and have only
pressed formal education after a positive relationship was
intact. The irony in this is that I'm sure I would not be able
to teach them effectively had I not started with the
relationship.

So, if this is your first year teaching at home, or if you have
the opportunity to keep your little ones home an extra year if
you are sending them away to school, take my advice and focus on
relationship first. Let your child explore and learn naturally
and concentrate on connecting with him. My prediction is that
both you and your child will be more successful in the long run
and you will avoid much frustration, both in learning and in
loving.data:post.body

Sibling Rivalry and Fellowship with a Purpose Part 1

I have more and more conversations about building family unity and striving for good relationships within the family, while balancing that desire with the reality that our kids need solid friendships and positive social interactions. As our kids have grown to love each other post adoption, I've noticed a few things that have helped them to increase in their love for one another, and at the same time enjoy friendships outside our home.

The first thing I know that has helped more than anything else is saying no. Saying no to sports teams, scout troops, too many 4-H projects and meetings, and generally too much activity outside the four walls of our home has been key. Turns out, busyness allows us as parents to avoid facing conflict and character problems that naturally arise when personalities are together for days at a time.

It is far too easy to pretend your kids are getting along okay when you are wrapped up in 5 or more activities per week that segregate your family. In addition, kids don't have to resolve their differences when they are seldom together. I have a wise friend who pointed out to me that siblings do occasionally fight, and that nearly constant bickering might be normal by today's standards, but it certainly isn't God's model for the family.

If your kids can't play together for more than 5 minutes without a fight, and that is the norm in your house, my first suggestion would be to bring them home. Pull them out of some activities so you have at least 3 nights per week at home, even if you homeschool. Stay close to them and teach them how to interact without fighting. Play games as a family,take them for walks in your neighborhood, play sports together in your yard, and watch how the different personalities interact so you know what you need to work on as a parent in their training.

Remember, sports, lessons and groups like scouts are all good things-- but they won't mean very much in the long run if your children have fractured family relationships. One day they'll wake up and no longer be able to play football and they will regret that they have lived in the same house for nearly 20 years with siblings they still don't know or appreciate.data:post.body

Are our children really as strong as we think they are? When we observe our fostered and adopted kids it can appear they are tough and that the story of their lives has not affected them. Unfortunately, little ones don't truly bounce back as well as we think they do. They still are crying out for their unmet emotional needs to be met and when they are met, we will see dramatic improvements in their behavior.

One of those basic needs is time. The biggest difference I have seen while parenting biological versus adopted children, is that it doesn't take very long for my adopted kids to feel neglected. If I am not touching base with them frequently, they begin to display undesirable behaviors and in some cases, even become aggressive. This is far less noticable in my biological son even though I know he needs the same things they do.

More isn't necessarily better but many people think that it is. The trouble with this view is that more toys, more activities, more TV, can never replace the most valuable thing you have to offer your children--yourself. When the schedule piles on and I can't escape the busyness, I make it a point to spend a bit of one on one time with each of my children. When I don't, the result is misbehaving kids who are extremely disregulated. Keeping our schedule clear is a priority in our family unless an activity is of long term importance or we have a child who is highly interested in a particular activity or is gifted in an area that could be beneficial to him. For instance, one of our sons loves sports and we make sure he gets to pick a sport to play once a year. Things like piano lessons and home school co-op are regular parts of our schedule as well.

Because I teach my children at home, they get one on one time with me by default because of school work. In spite of this, there are days that we get so caught up in keeping up with everything that I have to stop to pay special attention to a little one who has gotten lost in the shuffle. For a child who has been neglected, this lost feeling makes them go into survival mode.

How do you feel when you are in survival mode? I know for me, when I get stressed out guess what, I'm irritable, mouthy, and I feel like being aggressive. Sound familiar? If we feel out of sorts as adults, imagine how our formerly neglected and abused children feel when they are tired or hungry, or just haven't gotten enough of mommy.

Gabriel, my second son, was pushed into survival mode this week when our pet dairy goat passed away right in front of us. I knew he was upset about it, but as usual, his pain didn't come out as crying or talking. Loss is double hard for kids who have lost so much. Outwardly, they seem to let things roll off but inwardly, the wounds go deeper because they stuff that emotion.

Soon after our goat died, we had friends arrive who were supposed to come over to play that day. Gabriel didn't deal with this well and soon was shoving other kids, name calling, and bullying everyone in sight. After several requests, I got him to come inside so I could help him calm down. When I set the timer for 20 minutes and asked him to stay close to me until it went off, he started throwing a tantrum and talking like a baby.

We learned early in this journey that stress causes regression. Baby talk and acting as if he is two or three years old is very common when Gabriel gets overwhelmed. He was three years old when he was removed from his biological mother's home and placed in a foster home and that is the age he returns to in his mind when he is stressed out.

So, I knew what I had to do and when he had quieted down, I asked him to choose a game and we would play together. As we played he slowly returned to his physical age (eight years old) and began to speak and act normally again.

It challenges most people to watch how I responded and not believe that I rewarded Gabriel for poor behavior. Before I adopted, I would have said the same thing. Now, however, I understand that when my child becomes unmanagable and out of control, it is my job to meet him where he is and devote some extra time with him.

It is my belief that foster and adoptive parents have an extra layer of responsibility when it comes to sacrificing for our children. They have suffered immensely already and if we do not make a conscious decision to honor them with our time, someday when they need us the most, they will no longer have time to listen to our advice or even receive our help.

For help in your adoptive search and to get a free mini-course, click on the link above. If you would like to, you can get your own completely unique content version of this article.data:post.body

Supplemental Help

It is official--we have had the kids on supplements to help with anxiety for three months now and I can honestly say we are experiencing what it is like to be normal. We were approaching it before but the supplements tipped us over the edge.

For those of you who are confused, let me explain...

At the home school conference we attended a series of classes by a lady named Dianne Craft. She was hilarious, intelligent, and knowledgeable, all wrapped up in one person. Her seminars were about teaching learning challenged and behaviorally challenged kids and I hung on her every word. We've been using her techniques for teaching Rose since we came home from convention and I am slowly seeing progress.

Anyway, we decided to take her advice and put the kids on several supplements to help lower their anxiety levels. (While we were at the conference, Gabriel was so stressed out that he threw yogurt at the babysitter and pitched tantrums at every turn. He ended up being sick and we didn't know it but even at that, he was pretty out of control and we were really downhearted that after one night of our being absent he could have this much anxiety.) So, after doing some research, sometime in mid-May, we put them on the supplements Dianne had suggested.

I'll give you the list, just in case you have an anxiety-ridden child out there. She says you have to do it for 3 months to really know if it is working.

Acidopholis
Grape Seed extract
Magnesium
EFAs for Children (ESA stands for Essential Fatty Acids)

Visit her website to find out why she recommends this particular combination of supplements.data:post.body

Teach Your Child to Read

When I signed up for the home schooling thing I was afraid the most about teaching my kids to read. Even though I am a teacher by trade, the responsibility of teaching a child to read has always weighed heavy on me. My oldest was a late bloomer but I wouldn't say he is learning disabled. Now he is a fluent and voracious reader. My middle has had a rough start on reading because of his life experiences and the moves he was forced to endure set him back developmentally but now he is taking off and I'm very proud of his progress.

My third is a different story. I am so glad I've been at this for a while now or else I may be panicking more (I say more because there are days I am surly panicking). She too has seen more than her share of sorrows at the tender age of seven but in most ways you would never know it. While her brother has consistently struggled with anxiety, she has slowly but steadily accepted and embraced her new family with increasing trust (and dare I say, joy?). Developmentally, she has surpassed her brother because she is more relaxed and therefore is more able to grow. I am proud of her too. She has overcome so much and is a joy to be with (after about 10am LOL).

This reading thing has taken her for a spin though. After taking some courses this spring about learning disabled kids and how to do therapy with them in your home, I was both encouraged and sad. I could see the writing on the wall for her and knew we both had a mountain of work ahead of us. So, while her brother has flown through "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons" she continues to struggle along behind him, working at an agonizing pace. We have been doing the prescribed excersizes and I can see they are helping but she continues to feel like she doesn't measure up and my heart breaks for her. I cannot wait until the day when she follows in her brothers' footsteps and cracks open her first "real" book. Until then, I am saddened to watch her sit on the floor with piles of books (not picture books, chapter books) next to her, turning the pages and looking, looking at the words. She wants it so bad! Keep on working, Rosie girl!data:post.body

Adopted Children Display "Defiance" but What is it Really?

"No, I don't feel like it." That was the response I got a few
weeks ago when I asked my adopted son to take a shower. I had
prepared him ahead of time, given him a five minute warning, and
had retrieved his clothing to make it easier. Still, he was
"defying" me. Why?

For a stranger watching this exchange, you may have thought I was
too lenient in my response when I replied, "Okay, I'm going to
ask you again in five minutes." When we signed up for our foster care program I would have laughed at such a response. If youknew my son however, and the dark issues of trauma that surround his past, you would know something deeper was at work here.

Traumatized children are sometimes hard to read. We make
assumptions about them that are untrue based on our own
perceptions. The biggest thing I have learned about dealing with
what looks like defiance in my adopted children is that things
are often not what they seem. If I can keep my cool long enough
to get to the heart of the matter, scenarios like this one do not
escalate and my kids are happier, and more relaxed. In addition,
they have fewer discipline problems. Not because I ignore their
issues (they aren't the type of issues that can be ignored!) but
because I approach my children with understanding and mercy.

So what did I do about the shower? First, I considered the
situation. We were up late the night before and often that means
my son has urinated in his pull-up. He has a distended bowel due
to anxiety (former foster kids often have anxiety issues) and
late nights can mean he has feces in his pants as well. This
makes him embarrassed, especially since he doesn't have the small
motor skills to clean himself up properly. Usually when he
refuses to take a shower it means he needs help but is too
embarrassed to ask. When the timer beeped I made sure we were
out of earshot of his siblings and quietly asked him if he needed
help getting cleaned up. He nodded and went immediately to the
bathroom.

This issue was not defiance at all--it was a simple matter of
embarrassment. If I had treated it as defiance (which I am sad
to report, I have in the past) it would only have damaged my
relationship with my son and we would not have solved anything.
He may have been clean, but our relationship may have needed
repairing. One step forward, two steps back.

Know your child. Know his issues. Learn his heart and lead him
to the love you have for him.data:post.body