Dying to Live

Distant and preoccupied. How is it that I can be with my children 24 hours a day (literally) and still not be present with them? Amazingly, this is my biggest struggle. Each day I either choose to engage in the battle for my children’s hearts-- or I don’t-- and I can tell when I haven’t fought for them. As much as I hate to admit it, the ones is on me when their behavior escalates and I am at my wits end.

In Luke 9:23 Jesus tells us to give up our selfish ways and take up our cross, and follow him. I was contemplating this after a church meeting last week, trying to grapple with the concept in my mind. Such a familiar verse and yet, so hard to live out. Leaving behind my selfish ways may mean leaving behind the pile of dirty dishes and laundry to sit outside with my kids while they play in the yard, instead of leaving them to play alone. It may mean going to bed with cluttered rooms because I took the extra time to talk with them before tucking them in for the night. It may mean getting rid of the television because it is a distraction from the most important things in life, like raising my kids.

When I don’t manage my time well, my children suffer. When I fail to plan ahead for hard days, they suffer again. When I am tired because I stayed up too late, they suffer because I yell at them. Homeschooling doesn’t solve these issues, it only magnifies them because they are constantly in my face. I know this is good because without the constant reminders, sadly, I would never change. Fortunately, I have the good Lord to help me when I am weak and sometimes I can feel His strength so distinctly I feel as if He may walk into the room. All the while, the battle rages around me and though I hate to admit it, every minute, every hour, every day, brings me closer to the end of the struggle, when I will discover how I did.

Images of the Good Shepherd flood my mind, giving me glimpses of who I should be and what I am striving for. The gentle nudging of his staff to a wayward lamb, the tenderness with which he leads his flock to greener pastures, His urgent call when a young lamb has wandered off, all remind me of my job. How glad I am that God has given me an example of who I should be. I tend toward harshness but He steers me toward gentleness and it always works better. After all, “a soft answer turns away wrath”.

As I tend to my real animals out on our little farm, they look up at me with trusting eyes, waiting for their share of hay and grain. They bleat with anticipation when they see me and my little Velvatine Rabbit paces in her cage as I come nearer. My goal is that one day my two adopted children will look to me with that same trust and eagerness. That they will look to see where I am leading and they will follow. But it all depends on my death to self and how willing I am to be full of grace.

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