Adopted Children Display "Defiance" but What is it Really?

"No, I don't feel like it." That was the response I got a few
weeks ago when I asked my adopted son to take a shower. I had
prepared him ahead of time, given him a five minute warning, and
had retrieved his clothing to make it easier. Still, he was
"defying" me. Why?

For a stranger watching this exchange, you may have thought I was
too lenient in my response when I replied, "Okay, I'm going to
ask you again in five minutes." When we signed up for our foster care program I would have laughed at such a response. If youknew my son however, and the dark issues of trauma that surround his past, you would know something deeper was at work here.

Traumatized children are sometimes hard to read. We make
assumptions about them that are untrue based on our own
perceptions. The biggest thing I have learned about dealing with
what looks like defiance in my adopted children is that things
are often not what they seem. If I can keep my cool long enough
to get to the heart of the matter, scenarios like this one do not
escalate and my kids are happier, and more relaxed. In addition,
they have fewer discipline problems. Not because I ignore their
issues (they aren't the type of issues that can be ignored!) but
because I approach my children with understanding and mercy.

So what did I do about the shower? First, I considered the
situation. We were up late the night before and often that means
my son has urinated in his pull-up. He has a distended bowel due
to anxiety (former foster kids often have anxiety issues) and
late nights can mean he has feces in his pants as well. This
makes him embarrassed, especially since he doesn't have the small
motor skills to clean himself up properly. Usually when he
refuses to take a shower it means he needs help but is too
embarrassed to ask. When the timer beeped I made sure we were
out of earshot of his siblings and quietly asked him if he needed
help getting cleaned up. He nodded and went immediately to the
bathroom.

This issue was not defiance at all--it was a simple matter of
embarrassment. If I had treated it as defiance (which I am sad
to report, I have in the past) it would only have damaged my
relationship with my son and we would not have solved anything.
He may have been clean, but our relationship may have needed
repairing. One step forward, two steps back.

Know your child. Know his issues. Learn his heart and lead him
to the love you have for him.data:post.body