Locked and Loaded

The boys are thrilled with their new "weapons" and allowed us to take a few pictures of them with their treasures. Air soft guns and a bow and arrow are being brandished in these pics and the boys are delighted to say the least.data:post.body

Beauty in the morning

I got up to the most serene fog this morning. I was blown away by the beauty of it and was able to get a few pictures. The air was heavy with the scent of rain and fallen leaves, the sunlight was struggling to win the fight against one of the thickest fogs I have observed in several years. The majesty of God's creation seemed to be highlighted, rather than muted, by the cloud cover and I had to share the moment.data:post.body

Sibling Rivalry and Fellowship with a Purpose Part 2

Once you get your kids to a point where they are interacting together well, (which could take months) the next important step to take is finding ways to fellowship with a purpose. Fellowship with a purpose takes a little more work but it is well worth it because not only do you help your children develop their friendships, but you are benefiting from deeper friendships as well.

Find families that share your value system and begin to have them over, go on field trips together if you homeschool, and as you discover which personalities blend the best, develop those friendships first. This is fellowship with a purpose. You are intentionally capitalizing on the value of friendships with people who are most likely to share your value systems and who will support you in parenting your children.

In this day and age, our culture is obsessed with exposing kids to people who are unlike them so that when they grow up, they will be less likely to be prejudiced against other people groups. This is a great sentiment, and to an extent, I agree with that strategy. The problem is that we have inadvertently thrown the baby out with the bathwater.

In exposing our children to so many new ideas and cultures at such a young age, we forget that they are not yet well acquainted with who they are. If they do not first get a solid foundation in the belief systems of their own family, someday it will be very easy to dislodge them from their trust in Christ because they will have never made it their own faith.

This is why fellowship with a purpose is so important. Spending lots of time pursuing hobbies and sports can undermine the influence we ultimately have with our children. We have put these activities on a pedestal because we have bought into the lie that good socialization can only happen in these environments. On the contrary, good socialization happens when kids are exposed to loving adults who can mentor them and model for them what being a Christ follower looks like. Sports and other activities are only valuable when they are a small percentage of the whole--a supplement to what is happening within the family.

As parents, our job is to come alongside our children and teens and oversee the socialization they are exposed to. This is most easily achieved when the family is involved in events and gatherings together. If you are wondering how this is accomplished, I'll give you a few ideas...

* Get involved in a small group at your church or attend a house church.
It is important to note that many small groups are not family integrated.
If your church doesn't have a group like this, you may consider starting
one. You may be surprised at how many families are tired of being segregated
during worship and church activities and would be thrilled to have such a
group available to them.

* Instead of sending your teens to a youth group, consider having teens over to your
own home on a monthly or weekly basis for a group game night. This is a great
way to get to know your teen's friends while also staying close and available.

* Host family game or movie nights for families in your church or small group. This
is a fun way to build friendships among adults, teens, and children all at the
same time!

* Join your local YMCA and take advantage of their family exercise rooms, pool, and
intramural sports teams as a family.

These are a few ideas to get you started and to show you there are ways to enjoy your family while still helping your children get the friendship and interaction they need--even if you are home educating. A good way to determine if you are choosing activities that build your family up is to ask yourself how each choice will affect your family's schedule. Here are a few questions in closing to ask when trying to decide..

1. Will our family still be able to eat dinner together at least 4 times per week?

2. Will my children be able to be in bed by their stated bed time at least 5 times
a week?

3. Is this activity in line with my child's greatest interests and/or gifts?

4. Will this activity cause me as a parent to be tired much of the time, resulting
in less energy to interact with my children?

If the answers to these questions are acceptable to you (meaning you still have time to be a family and as a parent you won't feel your energy levels are compromised much of the time) then the proposed activity is probably a safe thing to invest in. If not, you may need to re-evaluate it's importance.

Finally, this all ties into sibling rivalry because often, siblings are separated so much (especially if they attend school away from home) that they don't have the opportunity to know one another. In addition, they become accustomed to only interacting with children their own age, making them intolerant of younger siblings or disrespectful of older ones. If your family is striving to stick together much of the time--your children will eventually begin to relate in more positive ways and there will be fewer conflicts. The great benefit to improving sibling relationships is that this prepares them very effectively for the relationships they will have at college, in the workplace, and in their own families as adults.data:post.body

Sibling Rivalry and Fellowship with a Purpose Part 1

I have more and more conversations about building family unity and striving for good relationships within the family, while balancing that desire with the reality that our kids need solid friendships and positive social interactions. As our kids have grown to love each other post adoption, I've noticed a few things that have helped them to increase in their love for one another, and at the same time enjoy friendships outside our home.

The first thing I know that has helped more than anything else is saying no. Saying no to sports teams, scout troops, too many 4-H projects and meetings, and generally too much activity outside the four walls of our home has been key. Turns out, busyness allows us as parents to avoid facing conflict and character problems that naturally arise when personalities are together for days at a time.

It is far too easy to pretend your kids are getting along okay when you are wrapped up in 5 or more activities per week that segregate your family. In addition, kids don't have to resolve their differences when they are seldom together. I have a wise friend who pointed out to me that siblings do occasionally fight, and that nearly constant bickering might be normal by today's standards, but it certainly isn't God's model for the family.

If your kids can't play together for more than 5 minutes without a fight, and that is the norm in your house, my first suggestion would be to bring them home. Pull them out of some activities so you have at least 3 nights per week at home, even if you homeschool. Stay close to them and teach them how to interact without fighting. Play games as a family,take them for walks in your neighborhood, play sports together in your yard, and watch how the different personalities interact so you know what you need to work on as a parent in their training.

Remember, sports, lessons and groups like scouts are all good things-- but they won't mean very much in the long run if your children have fractured family relationships. One day they'll wake up and no longer be able to play football and they will regret that they have lived in the same house for nearly 20 years with siblings they still don't know or appreciate.data:post.body

Perfect Day

Today is a perfect day. The sun is shining, the sky is that gorgeous blue you only see in the fall, the leaves are turning, and the horses are neighing. Temperatures will top out around 63 degrees, and the kids actually were happy to help with outside chores today. The sun makes Rosie's hair glow gold and even our old Mare, Chica,is frisky, rolling in the mud of course, but I'll forgive her.data:post.body

Are our children really as strong as we think they are? When we observe our fostered and adopted kids it can appear they are tough and that the story of their lives has not affected them. Unfortunately, little ones don't truly bounce back as well as we think they do. They still are crying out for their unmet emotional needs to be met and when they are met, we will see dramatic improvements in their behavior.

One of those basic needs is time. The biggest difference I have seen while parenting biological versus adopted children, is that it doesn't take very long for my adopted kids to feel neglected. If I am not touching base with them frequently, they begin to display undesirable behaviors and in some cases, even become aggressive. This is far less noticable in my biological son even though I know he needs the same things they do.

More isn't necessarily better but many people think that it is. The trouble with this view is that more toys, more activities, more TV, can never replace the most valuable thing you have to offer your children--yourself. When the schedule piles on and I can't escape the busyness, I make it a point to spend a bit of one on one time with each of my children. When I don't, the result is misbehaving kids who are extremely disregulated. Keeping our schedule clear is a priority in our family unless an activity is of long term importance or we have a child who is highly interested in a particular activity or is gifted in an area that could be beneficial to him. For instance, one of our sons loves sports and we make sure he gets to pick a sport to play once a year. Things like piano lessons and home school co-op are regular parts of our schedule as well.

Because I teach my children at home, they get one on one time with me by default because of school work. In spite of this, there are days that we get so caught up in keeping up with everything that I have to stop to pay special attention to a little one who has gotten lost in the shuffle. For a child who has been neglected, this lost feeling makes them go into survival mode.

How do you feel when you are in survival mode? I know for me, when I get stressed out guess what, I'm irritable, mouthy, and I feel like being aggressive. Sound familiar? If we feel out of sorts as adults, imagine how our formerly neglected and abused children feel when they are tired or hungry, or just haven't gotten enough of mommy.

Gabriel, my second son, was pushed into survival mode this week when our pet dairy goat passed away right in front of us. I knew he was upset about it, but as usual, his pain didn't come out as crying or talking. Loss is double hard for kids who have lost so much. Outwardly, they seem to let things roll off but inwardly, the wounds go deeper because they stuff that emotion.

Soon after our goat died, we had friends arrive who were supposed to come over to play that day. Gabriel didn't deal with this well and soon was shoving other kids, name calling, and bullying everyone in sight. After several requests, I got him to come inside so I could help him calm down. When I set the timer for 20 minutes and asked him to stay close to me until it went off, he started throwing a tantrum and talking like a baby.

We learned early in this journey that stress causes regression. Baby talk and acting as if he is two or three years old is very common when Gabriel gets overwhelmed. He was three years old when he was removed from his biological mother's home and placed in a foster home and that is the age he returns to in his mind when he is stressed out.

So, I knew what I had to do and when he had quieted down, I asked him to choose a game and we would play together. As we played he slowly returned to his physical age (eight years old) and began to speak and act normally again.

It challenges most people to watch how I responded and not believe that I rewarded Gabriel for poor behavior. Before I adopted, I would have said the same thing. Now, however, I understand that when my child becomes unmanagable and out of control, it is my job to meet him where he is and devote some extra time with him.

It is my belief that foster and adoptive parents have an extra layer of responsibility when it comes to sacrificing for our children. They have suffered immensely already and if we do not make a conscious decision to honor them with our time, someday when they need us the most, they will no longer have time to listen to our advice or even receive our help.

For help in your adoptive search and to get a free mini-course, click on the link above. If you would like to, you can get your own completely unique content version of this article.data:post.body

Supplemental Help

It is official--we have had the kids on supplements to help with anxiety for three months now and I can honestly say we are experiencing what it is like to be normal. We were approaching it before but the supplements tipped us over the edge.

For those of you who are confused, let me explain...

At the home school conference we attended a series of classes by a lady named Dianne Craft. She was hilarious, intelligent, and knowledgeable, all wrapped up in one person. Her seminars were about teaching learning challenged and behaviorally challenged kids and I hung on her every word. We've been using her techniques for teaching Rose since we came home from convention and I am slowly seeing progress.

Anyway, we decided to take her advice and put the kids on several supplements to help lower their anxiety levels. (While we were at the conference, Gabriel was so stressed out that he threw yogurt at the babysitter and pitched tantrums at every turn. He ended up being sick and we didn't know it but even at that, he was pretty out of control and we were really downhearted that after one night of our being absent he could have this much anxiety.) So, after doing some research, sometime in mid-May, we put them on the supplements Dianne had suggested.

I'll give you the list, just in case you have an anxiety-ridden child out there. She says you have to do it for 3 months to really know if it is working.

Acidopholis
Grape Seed extract
Magnesium
EFAs for Children (ESA stands for Essential Fatty Acids)

Visit her website to find out why she recommends this particular combination of supplements.data:post.body

Teach Your Child to Read

When I signed up for the home schooling thing I was afraid the most about teaching my kids to read. Even though I am a teacher by trade, the responsibility of teaching a child to read has always weighed heavy on me. My oldest was a late bloomer but I wouldn't say he is learning disabled. Now he is a fluent and voracious reader. My middle has had a rough start on reading because of his life experiences and the moves he was forced to endure set him back developmentally but now he is taking off and I'm very proud of his progress.

My third is a different story. I am so glad I've been at this for a while now or else I may be panicking more (I say more because there are days I am surly panicking). She too has seen more than her share of sorrows at the tender age of seven but in most ways you would never know it. While her brother has consistently struggled with anxiety, she has slowly but steadily accepted and embraced her new family with increasing trust (and dare I say, joy?). Developmentally, she has surpassed her brother because she is more relaxed and therefore is more able to grow. I am proud of her too. She has overcome so much and is a joy to be with (after about 10am LOL).

This reading thing has taken her for a spin though. After taking some courses this spring about learning disabled kids and how to do therapy with them in your home, I was both encouraged and sad. I could see the writing on the wall for her and knew we both had a mountain of work ahead of us. So, while her brother has flown through "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons" she continues to struggle along behind him, working at an agonizing pace. We have been doing the prescribed excersizes and I can see they are helping but she continues to feel like she doesn't measure up and my heart breaks for her. I cannot wait until the day when she follows in her brothers' footsteps and cracks open her first "real" book. Until then, I am saddened to watch her sit on the floor with piles of books (not picture books, chapter books) next to her, turning the pages and looking, looking at the words. She wants it so bad! Keep on working, Rosie girl!data:post.body

Dying to Live

Distant and preoccupied. How is it that I can be with my children 24 hours a day (literally) and still not be present with them? Amazingly, this is my biggest struggle. Each day I either choose to engage in the battle for my children’s hearts-- or I don’t-- and I can tell when I haven’t fought for them. As much as I hate to admit it, the ones is on me when their behavior escalates and I am at my wits end.

In Luke 9:23 Jesus tells us to give up our selfish ways and take up our cross, and follow him. I was contemplating this after a church meeting last week, trying to grapple with the concept in my mind. Such a familiar verse and yet, so hard to live out. Leaving behind my selfish ways may mean leaving behind the pile of dirty dishes and laundry to sit outside with my kids while they play in the yard, instead of leaving them to play alone. It may mean going to bed with cluttered rooms because I took the extra time to talk with them before tucking them in for the night. It may mean getting rid of the television because it is a distraction from the most important things in life, like raising my kids.

When I don’t manage my time well, my children suffer. When I fail to plan ahead for hard days, they suffer again. When I am tired because I stayed up too late, they suffer because I yell at them. Homeschooling doesn’t solve these issues, it only magnifies them because they are constantly in my face. I know this is good because without the constant reminders, sadly, I would never change. Fortunately, I have the good Lord to help me when I am weak and sometimes I can feel His strength so distinctly I feel as if He may walk into the room. All the while, the battle rages around me and though I hate to admit it, every minute, every hour, every day, brings me closer to the end of the struggle, when I will discover how I did.

Images of the Good Shepherd flood my mind, giving me glimpses of who I should be and what I am striving for. The gentle nudging of his staff to a wayward lamb, the tenderness with which he leads his flock to greener pastures, His urgent call when a young lamb has wandered off, all remind me of my job. How glad I am that God has given me an example of who I should be. I tend toward harshness but He steers me toward gentleness and it always works better. After all, “a soft answer turns away wrath”.

As I tend to my real animals out on our little farm, they look up at me with trusting eyes, waiting for their share of hay and grain. They bleat with anticipation when they see me and my little Velvatine Rabbit paces in her cage as I come nearer. My goal is that one day my two adopted children will look to me with that same trust and eagerness. That they will look to see where I am leading and they will follow. But it all depends on my death to self and how willing I am to be full of grace.

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Adopted Children Display "Defiance" but What is it Really?

"No, I don't feel like it." That was the response I got a few
weeks ago when I asked my adopted son to take a shower. I had
prepared him ahead of time, given him a five minute warning, and
had retrieved his clothing to make it easier. Still, he was
"defying" me. Why?

For a stranger watching this exchange, you may have thought I was
too lenient in my response when I replied, "Okay, I'm going to
ask you again in five minutes." When we signed up for our foster care program I would have laughed at such a response. If youknew my son however, and the dark issues of trauma that surround his past, you would know something deeper was at work here.

Traumatized children are sometimes hard to read. We make
assumptions about them that are untrue based on our own
perceptions. The biggest thing I have learned about dealing with
what looks like defiance in my adopted children is that things
are often not what they seem. If I can keep my cool long enough
to get to the heart of the matter, scenarios like this one do not
escalate and my kids are happier, and more relaxed. In addition,
they have fewer discipline problems. Not because I ignore their
issues (they aren't the type of issues that can be ignored!) but
because I approach my children with understanding and mercy.

So what did I do about the shower? First, I considered the
situation. We were up late the night before and often that means
my son has urinated in his pull-up. He has a distended bowel due
to anxiety (former foster kids often have anxiety issues) and
late nights can mean he has feces in his pants as well. This
makes him embarrassed, especially since he doesn't have the small
motor skills to clean himself up properly. Usually when he
refuses to take a shower it means he needs help but is too
embarrassed to ask. When the timer beeped I made sure we were
out of earshot of his siblings and quietly asked him if he needed
help getting cleaned up. He nodded and went immediately to the
bathroom.

This issue was not defiance at all--it was a simple matter of
embarrassment. If I had treated it as defiance (which I am sad
to report, I have in the past) it would only have damaged my
relationship with my son and we would not have solved anything.
He may have been clean, but our relationship may have needed
repairing. One step forward, two steps back.

Know your child. Know his issues. Learn his heart and lead him
to the love you have for him.data:post.body

Hemi the horse arrived a few days ago and is absolutely beautiful. He's a six year old paint gelding with a wonderful disposition. Chica wasn't so happy with him at first and was going after him in the beginning but is finally deciding she's okay with him.data:post.body

Molly

I know we have enough animals... At least that is what Tim keeps telling me. When I saw the post on Freecycle about a little long haired kitten I responded to it right away. Tim's only prerequisite for getting the kitten was that we allow him to video tape us begging for another animal while standing in the barnyard in front of the horse, goats, chickens, and rabbits. NO PROBLEM!! So, drumroll please... the newest addition to our family. Molly.data:post.body

I was listening to a sermon about preparing your kids for marriage the other night when the pastor said something that caught my attention. He said fathers are to protect their daughters until the day they are given in marriage. Sending them off into the world alone to fend for themselves and try to find a suitable husband is not the picture God gives us in the Bible of how a daughter should find a mate. With boys, the same is true, only in a different sense. Boys may go into the world to live on their own and make their way but when it is time for them to find a wife, God expects us parents to help our boys--not just leave them to their every whim and expect that it will all work out okay! I found this intriguing and also refreshing because it is what I have felt in my spirit for a while but didn't know how to put it. He used the example of Abraham finding a wife for Isaac and the care he took in making sure it was done right. Isaac was 40! Perfectly capable by our culture's standards, of finding his own mate, and yet, his Father helped him and at the end of the story, it says Isaac loved her.

Love, after all, is a choice.

I know I am simplifying it--there is much more that goes into all this than just a concerned parent, but really-- how much heartache could be avoided if fathers took seriously their commitment to protecting their children by helping them with the most important decision they will ever make?data:post.body

Planting Flowers

Rosie is very excited about the flowers we planted. She stuck right with me through two full hours of preparation and planting.

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Tree Climber

Gabriel has become quite the tree climber. His adventuresome spirit shines through in these climbing pictures Tim took. Plus, he's really cute.

He is a typical boy, pushing the limits all the time of what he will risk.

A few minutes after this was taken, he climbed too high and fell over 15 feet to the ground onto his bottom. Fortunately, he wasn't hurt, just really scared.

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To the Zoo!

Animal Classification calls for a trip to the zoo so that is where we went to kick off our new unit. As we have learned about all the different kinds of animals God created on days 5 and 6 we have been delighted whenever we get the opportunity to look at these creatures up close.

This is the Galapagos Tortoise--the famed tortoise discovered on the island of Galapagos by Charles Darwin, who went to school to be a pastor interestingly enough--not a scientist. In fact, there are a lot of interesting things you can learn about Darwin if you read a little about his life. We have had some fun discussions about how hilarious the concept of evolution is and have observed many things in nature that continue to disprove it. (Like for instance, have you ever thought about what a bat ate before it developed it's echolocation ability? If evolution were true, bats would have died out long before they had a chance to evolve echolocation because that is how they find their food!)

The second day of our unit, we classified our stuffed animals. These two were placed together by Rose, who noticed that both the giraffe and the elephant have horns. I thought that was cute.

Later in the unit, we went exploring in a creek to see what creatures we could find there.

We brought home a dragonfly nymph, some crayfish, and three different types of fish.

Ah, the long awaited dissection. We dissected a starfish towards the end of our unit and it was really gross. I swallowed my feelings and acted excited in the interest of education.

Of all three children, Rosie was the most excited about the dissecting. She was examining the starfish, finding it's parts and asking good questions the whole time. The boys just wanted to get it over with. She says she wants to be a veterinarian and it appears she may have what it takes. I love that she is learning so much about science even though with her dyslexia she has not mastered reading yet. If she were bound to learn only through books she would be largely stuck and may end up hating to learn. As it is, she is engaged by our unit studies in spite of her inability to read.

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Growing Up

Our chicks are quickly becoming chickens and are roaming about the yard, digging up worms and generally enjoying the fabulous spring weather with us. We now have 28 chickens in our little flock.

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How Did This Happen?

When we brought him home, I was bound and determined that Mouse would be a barn cat. No compromises. No question. Sigh... Look who has wiggled his way inside. I'm such a softie.

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Even though we have a gazzillion trees, Tim decided we needed more. He brought home something like 20 trees he got for free at an Arbor Day festival and planted them the next day with Rosie's help. She is definitely our little gardener!

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Japan

We have been studying Japan and it's culture during school time and have enjoyed it so much! This is Ezra painting a Japanese screen. He was so interested in this unit that he says he wants to be a missionary to Japan!

Here are pictures of us sewing Kimonos (that didn't turn out--oh well). Turns out, Kimonos are supposed to be REALLY BIG so you can wrap them around you. I didn't have a real pattern and didn't cut enough material. Although I hope to salvage them someday...sigh.

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Room to Breathe

How fun to have so much space for the kids to explore this spring. They are busy building forts out in the back 40 with their friend, Jeneca. Last I heard they had come up with their own bartering and monetary system and were trading for pottery they have made from our soil (which has high clay content). It isn't uncommon to hear the whoop of an Indian warrior coming up the path to our house.

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Introducing Chica

My friend, Lisa and I settling our new horse, Chica into her freshly constructed stall. Chica is a 22 year old Arabian mare with a sweet temperment who was severely neglected. She has gained almost 400 pounds since she was found, if you can believe it, and still has about 150 pounds to go before she is truly rehabilitated. We are so glad to have her!

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Building

Though we were perfectly happy with the thought of makeshift stalls, our wonderful friend, Jim came over and built us Breyer-style stalls for our little barn last weekend. Soon they will be filled with rescued horses, at least one of them ours, and we will be proud owners of a new horse. Whoo hoo!

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These are our new chicks that Lisa ordered for us. We're very excited to have fresh eggs come summertime!

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Beautiful Baby

Here is Flower, one of Ruby's babies, looking much better with fur. Again, much more attractive in real life... She is the little doe we have decided to keep to show. She is about 6 weeks old in this picture.data:post.body

Preparing for Milk

Daisy is due to kid any day now so I've got all my supplies organized and ready to go. It makes my little heart glad to think of the wonderful milk that will soon fill those jars...

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Much Better

These are Ruby's babies with fur. They are much easier to look at now! The kids are having fun holding them, as you can see...

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Da Mama

This is Ruby. Not a great picture but good enough to see how completely adorable she is in real life. There is hope for her babies.data:post.body

Penny

She's the one who lays the eggs. We love her.data:post.body

Babies!

We all breathed a sigh of relief when our Lionhead rabbit named Ruby, gave birth to four little bundles of skin tonight. Well done, Ruby! I'm sure they won't look like aliens forever--don't take it too hard...data:post.body

What do You do with 12 Inches of Snow?

Eat it!data:post.body

The Booty

Okay, so I couldn't wait. I had to have at least one hen. Noodle needed a friend. Her name is Penny, and although I have no picture of her yet, I do have a picture of the long awaited first egg that she laid. We are very excited. NO, you don't understand, we (Ezra, Rose, and I) jumped up and down in the freezing cold outside of the chicken coop and gave each other high fives when we found this egg. Can't wait to eat 'em. (There are actually 3 now.)data:post.body